I am a recognized authority on the 4.5 tatami room.
I think I shall expound on the aspects of that space.
Although I knew of one person who lived in a 3 tatami room,
they grew more and more stubbornly set against the tides of the world,
and last year their parents came from their hometown to pick them up.
It might be a little hard to believe, but near Joudo Temple
I've heard there are rooms that exist with two tatami mats laid end-to-end.
If you slept on them every night, there's no doubt you'd grow in height.
In Kitashirakawa Baptist General Hospital's XXXX ward, it's said there are 1 tatami rooms,
but the students that knew of this ended up mysteriously disappearing,
and their friends one by one all met unfortunate fates.
And then there is the 4.5 tatami room.
Compared to the 1, 2, or 3 tatami rooms,
the 4.5 tatami room is a truly beautiful square.
Is it not magnificent?
2 tatamis can also form a square, but it is cramped.
On the other hand, once you've made a square larger than 4.5 tatami,
it becomes as spacious as Takeda Shingen's lavatory, and one might even get lost.
After entering university, I became a fierce supporter of the 4.5 tatami room.
Those people who live in 7, 8, or even 10 tatami rooms...
Are they truly worthy of ruling over such a space as if it is their own?
I wonder if human beings even have such capacity?
We humanity have the ability to rule 4.5 tatami and smaller spaces.
Those reprehensible beings who greedily lust for larger area
will surely be met by fearsome rebellion from some corner of their room.
That was my assertion.
The 4.5 tatami room is my entire world.
That is my conviction, but now...
...there is also the objective reality of the situation.
Where is the person responsible?
J-pwq
Then I was a freshman university student
and before me lay open countless doors to various different campus lives.
But I didn't join any of the circles.
A rose-colored campus life is, after all, nothing more than an illusory dream.
I decided to train myself in the tranquil space known as the 4.5 tatami room.
Terayama Shuji once said this: "Throw away books and go out into the city."
But what was he saying to do once you go out into the city?
For the next two years I spent most of my time in the 4.5 tatami room,
and some people came to call me the "4.5 Tatami Ideologue."
"The 4.5 Tatami Ideologue"
This is my inner sanctum.
The Eizan train runs behind it, and though it only takes a few seconds to circle this space,
everything about me is crammed in here.
To the north is a cheap, flimsy door.
A note with venerable hints from the previous occupant is still affixed there.
On one side of the door is a sink of bottomless filth,
assuring the loss of any would-be cook's motivation.
I steadfastly refuse to try my hand at cooking,
putting into practice my belief that "men shouldn't set foot in the kitchen."
The majority if the north wall is a closet,
filled carelessly with unremarkable clothing and books I never read.
My library of obscenity is also within.
In one corner of the east wall are a vacuum cleaner and rice cooker
that do not look as if they've been heavily used,
and most of the wall is a grand library,
in which an enormous number of printed works have been assembled.
In the space between the southeast bookcase and my desk
lies an area in which various junk has been thrown,
and I believe if one were to venture into it alone and get lost, the chances of returning alive would be slim.
And then from the south to the southwest
there is a window which rattles as the Eizan train passes by,
and there underneath it is placed my desk that has been with me through high school.
In the west are socks in search of lost partners,
the clothes that make up my everyday life, and an old-fashioned world map.
A famous short story begins with a normal man that one morning turns into an insect.
For me it was not something so dramatic.
But it had definitely become a problem.
"A proper man shall not be perturbed no matter what circumstances he might find himself in. He must think through the situation calmly."
But as I had not had much enthusiasm for going outside previously,
wouldn't going crazy trying to get out make me quite shallow as a human?
While I sat down and calmly waited it out,
the situation might well change for the better on its own.
I had come up with a single hypothesis.
It supposed that this was a curse of that old fortune teller.
There was an old woman who emitted freely an eerie aura as I passed by Kiyamachi.
The old woman said "Student there, you'll be in trouble soon!"
"You have made a false step in life!"
I replied "That is not the case at all! I am satisfied with the way I live!"
But the old woman continued, "You shouldn't be so stubborn."
"I can sense you have talent, so there is opportunity dangling before your eyes."
That is not an opportunity or anything!
Finally the old woman went "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh..."
Or maybe not, but she smiled evilly like that.
Hey, is anybody there?
As I cried out a line straight out of some crappy drama to no response,
I had no choice but to take all the embarrassment upon myself.
Well, it seems we've finally entered the realm of science fiction.
I have a feeling there was once a movie
where someone was trapped in rooms connected in this way.
Since water flows out, that means it should be connected to the outside world in some way.
If I were some kind of mole-man and could pass through the faucet,
I could struggle through to Kyoto Water Bureau, but...
After two or so days, I ran out of food.
"A source of protein?"
"Protein?"
I was like a Robinson Crusoe washed up on a deserted 4.5 tatami room.
But for me there was a faucet with water, and furniture...
I had a set of everything; I could hardly call this a state of survival.
I had a stroke of good luck.
In the 4.5 room next door there were fish burgers and a Castella.
So then, is it okay for me to eat this?
I don't really read much science fiction,
so if this really is that sort of phenomenon,
would eating this Castella cause some sort of harm?
And if this is all some sort of hallucination, is this Castella even real?
It is a Castella.
Putting aside rational explanation, this was indeed an honest to goodness Castella.
And so the problem of my food supply was basically solved.
As I could not see the light of the sun,
I could not determine whether it was noon or night,
and though I made it a point to delineate each day from the next,
I could not be sure that my delineations were correct.
I can't ignore the nutrients that I get from the Castella.
I got it a few days ago from a person named Ozu,
who came to visit a person who lives on the second floor.
A couple of days before I became trapped,
I discovered a large cockroach outbreak in our Shimogamo Yuusuisou.
"I stopped by and went to the room on the second floor. I made a cockroach cube weapon but it malfunctioned. Sorry for the inconvenience. Please, eat this. - Ozu"
At the time I felt an irrational anger come over me.
But should I not be thankful to this Ozu person now that I am in this circumstance?
There were times I despaired, but after I thought about it,
perhaps this situation could be called a stroke of luck?
If I transfer to the room next door I can get another Castella and more fish burgers.
I might be getting lopsided nutrition,
but food would not be a problem in the foreseeable future.
With things as they are,
I could think of this world of 4.5 tatami rooms as a wonderful place to live.
From a physical perspective a 4.5 tatami space is quite small,
but one can find an expansive inner world from within.
Within the world of imagination there are no boundaries.
It could be said that I am the ultimate creator of this 4.5 tatami room!
I will survive.
I will have fun persisting in this perfect 4.5 tatami world!
That way I will show this god of fate who is boss!
I trembled with excitement!
"This is coffee."
I thought that I might take this opportunity to read the books I had not read.
I have as much time as I need!
This is fun! This is fun! This is fun!
Sometimes to pass the time I would admirably think to study,
but Schrödinger's equation knocked me out.
As a pioneer in this 4.5 tatami world, I wove a plan to bravely make my life here.
I would devise ways to use the Castella and fish burgers to make various other dishes.
I would undertake operation of a systematic system of growing mushrooms!
I would even remodel many of the rooms into a bowling alley,
or movie theater, or arcade, and create all kinds of different amusement centers!
I would realize my own Utopia!
Just thinking about it made me excited!
Even doing something as shameful as this, no one in the world would pay any heed.
I will not be pestered by other people.
It is indeed a world just for myself.
Absorbing myself in reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea,
I got drunk on cheap whiskey and cried out toward the ceiling.
Becoming afraid of the silent world pressing down around me,
I sang all the songs I knew at the top of my lungs.
And so I discovered that I myself wanted to escape from this 4.5 tatami world.
I didn't want to admit, but I was completely and utterly sick of this 4.5 tatami room.
If I opened the door to the dirty hallway and headed down that dirty hallway,
there would be the dirty bathroom, and the dirty shoe boxes,
and then I could exit the boarding house to the outside.
It was because I could always go outside when I pleased
that I confined myself to the 4.5 tatami room.
The most real thing to me was a single physiological need I was struggling with.
To put it plainly, I couldn't stand the smell.
One day I couldn't stand it anymore,
"Lavatory"
and I hastily left on a journey to get far away from that room.
It must have been a week since I'd been trapped in this mysterious world.
Anyway, let's see how far these 4.5 tatami rooms go...
That day I must have traversed over 100 4.5 tatami rooms,
and yet they still continued.
Eventually I felt like a fool.
"Alchemy"
When I went searching in the space between my desk
and bookshelf known as the "Siberian Penal Colony,"
I found a thin little wallet.
If each 4.5 tatami room has 1,000 yen,
each time I move to another room I get another 1,000 yen.
If I move to 10 rooms, or 100 rooms, or 1,000 rooms...
I made a curious discovery.
While taking a break I thought to read The Curious Casebook of Inspector Hanshichi,
which I had bought at a used book fair, but it didn't exist in that 4.5 tatami room.
The collections on each bookshelf were different, if only slightly.
I noticed that although at a glance the 4.5 tatami rooms seemed identical,
they were each slightly different.
Oh, it was all a dream!
I wonder why I hadn't thought to break through the wall?
After all, the walls are thin enough to be able to hear the conversations next door.
The Chinese exchange student next door would often bring his girlfriend,
and they'd whisper sweet nothings to each other.
I regretted from the bottom of my heart
that I had not studied Chinese as my second foreign language.
Even if I broke through the wall and invaded,
I'm sure he could just laugh it off with the deep tolerance of one from the mainland.
Here we go!
"Day xxx"
Could it be that I was dead?
Had I fallen into a so-called 4.5 tatami hell,
forced to suffer for all eternity?
It's hard to believe... The leaves are probably turning by now on the outside.
I had not eaten out for more than 1200 hours,
nor bathed in the sun's rays, nor breathed fresh air,
nor spoken with another human being!
In this room was something I did not remember.
"Lucky Cat Chinese Restaurant"
It seemed to be the signboard for some organization.
Why did the 4.5 tatami rooms have these differences?
They should all be my same 4.5 tatami room, so what gave rise to these small differences?
In the instant I grasped the structure of this 4.5 tatami world.
The bookshelves with books I had missed a chance to buy,
circles which I shouldn't have been a member of...
I see! These are my parallel worlds!
In these how many tens of days,
I had been crossing through parallel universes of 4.5 tatami rooms
for each of the various choices I could have made!
This is the dental hygienist Hanuki-san.
The previous autumn I'd heard rumors of a beautiful dental hygienist
that gave the most excellent gum massages,
and so I'd visited the local dentist.
Lately I've seen a drunk Hanuki-san looking completely different
yelling over the railing of the Mikage bridge.
I wonder what happened to that cool professional demeanor of hers?
But a mental ruffian such as myself was not able to grasp the subtlety of it.
I wonder what choice I made?
In this world I was close to Hanuki-san,
I lived together with a beautiful love-doll,
and I even seemed to have exchanged letters with a proper lady.
It was a situation I could only dream of.
This one looked like a lifestyle that had fallen into depravity.
Almost like I had become the disciple
of that person on the second floor of the Shimogamo Yuusuisou.
I threw away my backpack filled with 1,000 yen bills.
It's not like I would ever make use of it.
T-This is...
Funds for continuing the Proxy war?
The occupant of this room seemed like they reached toward the heavens.
I remembered feeling somewhat afraid.
Did I search for an even greater happiness than this?
Isn't that almost like Icarus flying toward the sun?
Come to think of it, I recall seeing a flier about something like this.
Isn't this that fellow I've seen at Neko Ramen?
It's rumored that Neko Ramen uses actual cats in its broth, but the taste is unmatched.
It was a calm conversation that reminded me of youth.
I overheard the two worrying about who would succeed them in continuing some battle,
but one of them was a fine specimen of a man
while the other was a resident of Shimogamo Yuusuisou with a face like an eggplant.
I usually thought of that man as someone I did not want to associate with.
But to think it was that ladies' man who had such a "hobby"...
For some strange reason I began to feel attached to these people I barely knew.
I felt as if I'd known them a long time, yet all that remained was this feeling of nostalgia.
Did you get paid?
Didn't the cameraman hit on you?
Not having a single person make fun of me for doing a thing like this was hard to take.
If there were some slippery evil companion here with me...
What do you think you're doing?
Are there maggots crawling around your cerebral cortex?
...I'm sure they would have completely belittled me like that.
And yet every occupant of every room seemed to be having fun.
Even if it wasn't rose-colored,
I could see each 4.5 tatami room had its own color to it.
Was it possible for me to have made these choices, I wonder?
Ah, it's me!
Hey, you!
Help me, please!
But I had already realized.
My fate would change from even the tiniest of choices.
An innumerable number of I's are born,
an innumerable number of 4.5 tatami rooms are born.
In other words, theoretically this 4.5 tatami world has no end!
Anyway, it seems like these fellows can cross through the parallel worlds and gather in them one after another.
They can lose their heart with love or liven it up with raunchy stories.
On the contrary, I only tell raunchy stories to myself,
always absorbed in my solitary delusions.
But that can no longer continue.